I also apologise for its length but I feel like every detail is needed to understand the full picture, Jzk.
For some background information, I was born and raised as a Muslim, however, I was not raised in an ideal Islamic environment. In other words, the only times I learnt about Islam were in primary school in scripture classes or vaguely from extended family.
My journey started when I was in year 4 of a public primary school. I wasn’t the most popular child and never had a constant friendship with some so I was always around different people. At one point I started to hang around a girl who was hijabi and I would ask her about it and became fascinated about it. One day I told her that I wanted to wear the hijab (this was also following my aunty putting on the hijab, she was a very influential figure in my life), so she told me to wear a long sleeve top under my shirt tomorrow and she brought me a bag of hijabs to wear. I put it on that day, but my hijab journey doesn’t end there. After about a week, being very young and not understanding what it meant, I took it off and went back to my normal life.
Fast forward 4 years and I am in year 8, I’m still in a public school, however, this time my friend group is compromised of 99.9% Muslims. Up until this point I was a barely-practising muslim, being the only rule I followed was believing in One God and abstaining from pork (And obviously alcohol I was a child lol). Even then I barely knew what this all meant. From these girls was where I was introduced to the true Islam. From their conversations and experiences is where I learnt basic knowledge which I had never known from anyone else. Alhamdulillah I thank Allah (SWT) everyday for putting me into that school and allowing me to meet those girls. At the time only one of the girls were scarfed, and she had been since she was young. Due to their influence, I began to watch lectures and learn Islam in my own time. I taught myself how to pray by having the instructions on a slideshow on an iPad in front of my while I prayed. Then, after listening to a lecture about hijab, I decided to put it on officially. Everyone was happy for me and so was I. But unfortunately that happiness didn’t last and I began to feel ugly and uncomfortable in it. I took it off after around 6 months of wearing it, despite my friends’ efforts advising me not to. This was one of the most shameful things I felt I have done as a Muslimah and it gave me unimaginable guilt, but something inside of me was telling me that it was the right thing to do and that I wasn’t ready. (You will understand this thinking later on)
Fast forward another year, I am in year 9, still in the same school, still around the same girls. At this point I was barely praying anymore and was very lost. One of my friends was starting to become more religious and was openly and eagerly teaching us about Islam, let’s call her C. Subhan’Allah, almost every visit to her house ended in a deep conversation about Islam. Eventually C had put the hijab on and it genuinely filled my heart with happiness because it was meant to be for her, it fit her like a glove. At this point, after watching everyone around me become better Muslims, I decided to take photos of C’s prayer mat (the one with instructions) and began to start praying again. This time I eased myself into Islam a more steady way, and gave myself more time to actually take in what I was actually learning. I started to become a better Muslimah.
One day, I was sitting with my friends at lunch when another girl had come up to me and complimented my hair. The word felt like shards of glass and I quickly realised that my hair was the most prominent feature of mine. After that day, that one compliment, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I was in an all girl’s school, so that every once in a while when a male teacher would walk past or there would be males from the opposite boy’s school I would feel disgusted in myself. At this point I stopped straightening my hair and just kept it tied up, I didn’t care about it anymore I just knew I wanted to cover up. So, I spoke to C, I told her how I felt and she explained to me that was exactly how she felt before she had put it on. From then on, I decided I wanted to wear it. She took me back to her house and put a scarf on me to try it on and I finally felt comfortable. This wasn’t permanent though as it was her scarf. After this she took me to greenacre to finally buy some scarves for myself and scarfy-friendly clothes. I had planned to put it on the following Monday, but things changed. That Friday we had plans to take out another friend to a YouTuber convention for her birthday. I remember being so sick that day I could barely lift my head but I was pushing through it as we planned this for a while. I decided that I wanted to put the scarf on that day so that I could always have those memories of that day. I told C and she came to my house to help me get ready and helped me put the scarf on. It was hard and my head did feel heavy due to being heavily sick, but that was September 11th 2015 and ever since then I’ve been a proud hijabi.
The story still continues though, from then on I was hijabi however, my dress code was never what it should’ve been. This is not to put down other hijabis or anything, but I was wearing tight clothes, tight jeans etc., and I wasn’t happy. Eventually, I met my (now) husband. And he grew up in a practising household, and seeing how his sisters and mother dressed and acted influenced me to dress and behave more according to my hijab. I then had found out that I was afflicted with Hasad/3ayn and to me this had explained all the reasons why I had struggled so much with hijab up until that point.
Currently, I am still hijabi and I am still trying to perfect my hijab with each trial. But Alhamdulillah Allah (SWT) gives us ease in ways we don’t imagine. I am still gratefully friends with that same group of girls and I thank Allah (SWT) everyday for what they have done for me. And Alhamdulillah following my adornment of the hijab and praying it encouraged the family in my household to practise as well. Alhamdulillah for the hijab, I wouldn’t be who I am without it.